Where Does One Start?

           Where does someone start always seems to be the question someone asks themselves when beginning a new project.  I know I've asked myself that question multiple times and yet I don't will be answer.  In the past have asked this question over and over with every project I think of and yet I don't start.  Sometimes I start the project only to leave it alone for several months at time.  For example look at this blog, I've originally intended to do at least a weekly update but it's been some time since I’ve done consistent updates.  I've gone months between doing photography projects now having started researching for the various videos and writing projects I want to start.  I have to ask myself where I want to start also a password on one end.

            I think my constant failure to give project going is because I don't have a clear picture of what I want my result to be.  Sure I go about saying I want to have a short story or novel or he will learn new software's but that's only a vague idea what I want to carry out.  I think for all of these projects are one start I have to start setting goals for each project even possibly setting up the timeline with milestones that I wish to succeed in each stage. By having milestones gives me some form of structure I can follow and keep me on track.  Now I'm using this blog as a way of keeping myself honest on my progression.  

            As I explore each project I want to keep track of and get this blog is way recording my progress.  This what I could possibly we see some feedback on how I am doing as well as make myself reflect on progression I made.  Now this won't be easy since I wish to keep this blog formal.  I will be keeping a more personal journal again as a way of keeping a private record of my own thoughts and feelings throughout this journey.  The blog post will be more of official record of what I'm doing and how each project is progressing.  Right now I'm only at the stage of devising what milestones I want to create and what time intervals I want to perform each one.  Luckily for me I use Outlook calendar as a way of keeping track of my daily schedule so I intent keep track of my milestones by using the same calendar.  This will prevent confusion between my milestones and my school assignments that I do have to complete the class.  In following my career and creative goals I don't want to forget about my school assignments.  I can easily overlook my school assignments while performing my other goals. 

            Another tool I plan to use is up and discovered you listening to podcasts.  Podcasts am referring to is “I should be writing” where the podcast mentioned the magic spreadsheet.  The magic spreadsheet is a tool to keep track of word count a writer writes and assigns a point system to how many words they write with any given day.  It also tracks if you write daily and give bonus points for added word counts as well as keeping the writing streak going.  I hope the magic spreadsheet will help encourage me to continue blogging as well is getting onto my other writing projects.  It may also encourage me to start writing for my school assignments as well since I do plan to include the writing I do for me reports as part of my daily word count.  This way I'm also killing two birds with one stone.  I keep myself motivated to write and keep myself on track for my school assignments.

            Each project will have their own starting point in milestones.  For my YouTube series project I have to start researching the first Canadian movie to be produced. Have to see if I can find a copy of it available either through video rental or online.  After finding out the first Canadian produced movie all have to start doing some research on the movie itself.  Some the research will include with the screenwriter was, some the key cast members and possibly some history on its production.   From there I have to write a script possibly and even some storyboarding for potential shooting.  Finally I will have to make a shooting schedule that my friends I can follow.  This will be my first time doing such project so have to allow some time for trial and error.  This will also lead into learning how to do video editing for the first time which will have its own set of challenges.

For some my photography projects I will have a little bit more work ahead of me.  I first have to picture what types of shots I want to try and what I can carry out with the gear I have. I have to choose whatever portraits I wanted to, who I can have a model for me and possible locations to do the shooting.  For any portrait work I will have to coordinate with model to see where our schedules line up and where would it be easier for each of us to take the shots.  This will also involve me researching more how to do proper model releases and licensing of the photos.  Ever ready started researching how to do proper model releases and have some basic templates I can use.  I may get in contact with a photographer to I know that have some experience in writing model releases to help me along the way.

I am already finding out which event I want shoot in which lenses I want to use for each event.  I'm going to use my 50 mm as my primary lens and avoid from renting any lenses unnecessarily. I also think I will stick with my 18 – 135 mm lens since it does have built-in image stabilization.  I may want to consider bringing my monopod with me for some of the events I was to document as a way of steadying the camera and prevent camera shake.  This may be effective for indoor events where I know the people performing it to make agreements with them that allow me to shoot they get a copy of the images after I'm done process.  For some other events I may have to get creative.

I don't have any ideas for location for different types of shots just yet but I'm in the middle of building my tabletop studio which I hope to start setting up soon.  All I need for now is some L brackets and some clamps.  The clamps I'm sure I can borrow from my father but the L brackets I can to go to Home Depot or Canadian tire to buy.  Even if that have to go out and buy the L brackets will be a slight cost so I am not too worried about that.  Once I have my tabletop studio set up I can start learning more about macro photography and possibly even product photography.  There's a lot I read that you can do with the simple home tabletop studio so have a great deal to explore there. 

For my writing projects will be a little bit more difficult.  I'm still in the process of world building my various worlds and still have to figure out the best approach in researching for them.  For these world building projects I do have to space at the milestones for them.  I have to make sure I have the world solidified enough in my mind before I start writing but not be so focused on world building that I don't do any other writing. This is where I’ll rely on the writing group that joined with deviant art and some other associate writers I know in person.  I do believe my writing projects will be some of the tougher ones to perform since they are the more long-term project I have going on.  I'm even thinking about starting up my own writing group locally to help keep these projects on track. 

So I think I have a good idea where I want to start but as I said before I have to get a better idea what I want my results to be.  In the next coming weeks I hope to be blogging about my final goal and the results I want to see for each project.  This won't be simple or easy at all it may need me to change my lifestyle or how I've been approaching different tasks before.  For this to work I have to keep an open mind and be willing to constantly experiment.  I will also have to be willing to constantly reflect on the progress I’ve made and be willing to change my approach whenever necessary.  But for the first time in a long-time I think I have a good starting point and better yet I believe have a better idea what I want carried out. 

I think it's time for me to stop writing and start getting to work.  As one of my professors like to say it's about what legacy do I want to leave behind and what do I want to be remembered for.  I no longer believe my legacy should be only about my professional career and its goals.  I now believe that my legacy should include my creative efforts as well and how I carry out those goals.  It's time to redefine my life and redefine myself at the same time.  Let's see what I can accomplish with the plan I am starting to create and now with proper motivation as well.

A New Year, New Possibilities and New Troubles

            This is the first real post for the 2014-year.  The previous ones were ones I started in 2013 but only recently completed them.  I am still trying to post these in order sadly editing a post is taking longer than I originally predicted.  I still have to get into the habit of writing these posts more often so I can continue to conical my journey into a more creative live.  Writing these blog is but one part of how I plan to become more creative with my lives.  I hope it also helps me display my progression in the arts and my own journey in the creative life style. 

            It’s two months into a new years and a new year of possibilities but it is also a year of new unknowns.  I have no way of predicting what will happen this year or what will happen in a few weeks.  It has been hard to stay positive over the last few weeks with starting a new job and continue classes.  I keep trying to figure out this new direction I want to take with my life and how to begin it.  Over the past year I have felt lost and directionless with my own life.  Somewhere I lost my path and haven’t figured out a way back yet.  I still lost even now. 

            I took a job that I thought would leave to some stability to my life only to be laid off in before completing my second month.  Now I find myself in the same position as I found myself last year only for the job market to dive on me.  Luckily for me I have schoolwork to focus on and good friends to help keep my mind off my troubles.  Now I am reflecting on my life and what I want to do with it.  Do I want to return to my original field of work or change careers and start all over again?  It is a great deal to think about.

             What I have been occupying my time has been working on processing two of my photography projects.  Strangely simply processing these photos have given me great pleasure.  I’ve received some positive feedback when I posted them to Deviant Art and even received some invitation to some photography group on Deviant Art.  I hope joining these extra photography groups will inspire me to create even more awe inspiring photos.   I have explored the idea of taking my photography to a more professional level but know that I need to improve my skills more.  Soon I am deciding future photography projects to improve my skills.  Luckily I have a friend willing to model and know a local stand-up comedian willing to allow me to shoot his shows.  I still have to find other events and other people to shoot to improve my skills.  I also plan to set up a tabletop studio here at home to improve my macro photography and I hope begin some stock photography. 

            While keeping my self-occupied while searching for new employment I plan to improve some of my skills.  My trade was originally as a drafter so I want to learn extra drafting program as well as further my knowledge in the ones I have used before.  I have bought extra “Mastering” book to learn the programs.  I also have gain access to online tutorials provided from the developer of one of the drafting programs I wish to learn.  With the combination of the books and the online tutorials I hope to master various drafter programs.  Mastering all these programs will I hope improve my job search.  I may try designing some of my own designs so I can post them on my professional page and Deviant Art. 

            Other skills I wish to learn is 3D modeling as well as mastering the entire Adobe Creative Suit.  I’ve had these programs for years and only scratched the surface of only a few of them.  I have the books and I believe it is time to explore what they can do and what my creativity can produce.  Also some companies wish their potential employees to know these programs and so it may also help with the job search.  I need to find ways of explore different forms of creativity and different art forms.  May be I should use my spare time to study different art as well as completing my assignments. 

            Other projects I want to undertake is producing a YouTube series about reviewing Canadian media and start work on a Podcast about Defining Geekdom with some friends.  I don’t know if they will come to realization but it is something to strive for.  I need to keep moving forward and examining different paths that I did not consider before.  This is a new year and if I am to find new possibilities I have to be open to new experience and go beyond my own comfort zone. 

            Here is to a new year, I hope new opportunities and I hope rediscovering the path I lost in the previous years.

Learning About Your Medium

            Okay when I say medium I am not talking about one of those people that tell you your future or speak with the dead but I am referring to the medium an artist decided to work in.  It’s important that any artist take the time to learn about the medium he or she decides to work in.  It’s all part of the self-teaching we each have to go through to master our craft.  For some of us that mean knowing what people have done before and how they got the results that they did.

            For me it started with photography.  I took book after book about photography out of the library so often the libraries knew me if not by name than by how I looked.  I scrounged around the Internet for blog and other tutorials information I could that would enlighten me more about how photographers got some of the awesome shots I see in magazines or online.  Occasionally they were just master of the post processing their images till it's look the way they wanted or the photographer just new how their equipment worked at the time.  It forced me to learn a lot more how to work with the equipment I had and made me learn how to process a photo correctly. 

            Because of my diving into photography and learning as much as I could about it I stopped just shooting in JPEG and in time stopped shooting in JPEG plus RAW.  Now just shoot in RAW.  Once upon a time I would shoot and not bother with post processing. Now I wouldn’t even think about posting an image without doing some post processing work on it.  Luckily Lightroom is a great program for photographers and not as hard to learn as Photoshop is.  I see myself getting to the point where I would need Photoshop for some of the images I want to do but for now Lightroom does majority of the things I need to do. 

            I expect there will be a great deal more for me to learn but so is whatever type of art one undertakes. 

Learning From Your Mistake

            In life we make mistakes that are what life is all about, making mistakes.  I know I have made a few over the last few years.  Some of them have screwed up my life over the last year or so.  One caused me to be unemployed others have caused me to dive into a deep depression which almost caused me to fail one my classes.  I took a temp job and when a permanent one came up I turned it down because I want to give notice to the temp job causing me to lose the chance at the permanent one.   It so strange how one choice could drastically overshadow everything else we do in our lives. 

            Sometimes we learn but sometimes we don’t.  It depends on the person making the mistake.  Now I wish I could say I am one of those people that learn from their mistakes and improve as they continue one with their live but I can’t.   Sometimes I feel as if I keep making the same mistake over and over because I can’t figure out why I keep making it.  I think that is part of the artistic process, learning from the mistake and figuring out why it was a mistake in the first place.  I all part about understanding who you are as a person and fully grasp that concept.  As I try to continue down the artistic path I keep learning I don’t understand who I am as a person. 

            May be that is why it seems I keep making the same mistake over and over.  I don't fully grasp why I am making the mistake in the first place.  At times it's because I thought the choice was a wise one only to have it turn into a blunder that I have to pull myself out of.  At no given point do you know which choice is the wise one which does make it hard to learn from them.  The only times he realizes he made mistake is when it blows up in your face.  For example I thought I had a permanent job lined up so I left my temp job behind only to be laid off not even a few months into the new job.  I thought accepting the permanent job was a wise choice even though that meant taking a cut in pay and reduce vacation hours.  The permanent job did mean medical benefits which is something that I have sought out for long-time.  In retrospect I realize I should've kept the temp job till the end of the contract.  If I did an outstanding position to possibly fill a permanent role that could have potentially become open in that company.  Now I'm back at the drawing board trying to figure out what to do with my life.

            I'm only starting to realize that my job doesn't define who I am.  It's only a means of making money so I can live in able to afford some style of life.  It's what I'm passionate about that defines who I am, which at the moment is my photography and other artistic efforts.  It's disheartening to realize that your passions can’t your livelihood.  I wish my photography was at the level that I could take photography jobs but that isn’t the case.  I'm still searching for job in my original field and trying to keep myself busy by delving further into my art.  I have several books on photography, various drafting programs and in time to explore different alternatives.  Life is about making mistakes, I've been so worried about making mistakes that I have been living my life to its full potential.  It's time to overcome that fear start living life and making mistakes as I go along.  I hope along the way a figure out whom I am and if not at least have a better picture of the person who I want to become.

Privacy and What Happens When we Do Not have it

If you're like me and over half a million Canadians you may have just found out the people you trusted to keep all your personal information safe as failed you.   Not just failed to protect the information they promised to protect but failed in reporting us when they "lost" the information.  It seems Human Services Canada has "miss placed" a portable hard drive as well as a thumb drive containing the person information of any one who applied for a student loan from 2000 to 2006.  Now one would think if they would to store the information on a portable drive that it would be at least encrypted but that was not the case.  To what I have been able to find out neither the portable drive nor thumb drive had any form of encryption on it.  In fact placing our personal information on such devices is against their own policies and regulations.  And after all this, putting countless people at risk of identity theft and other countless possibilities they expect use to take "We're sorry – and we're trying to make sure it never happens again."

I am sorry as one of the people affected by this a simple apology and empty promise doesn't even start to make up for such a mistake.  Not only did they fail to notice when the information went "missing" but when they did they took over a month to report RCMP to look into the incident.  And they took even longer tell those affected that their personal information was compromised.  When I contacted human resources to find out how this could happen the representative I spoke to couldn't answer any of my questions.  All I was told was that they were sure the drives haven't left the property and it has to be somewhere in the building.  They failed to mention who lost the information or what was found during the investigation just that one was conducted.  All I was told was my personal information was used for an internal survey they were conducting at the time.  They didn't even tell me why my information was used without my permission and why they would need all my personal information for something like that.

Like many Canadians I am outrage that something like this was allowed to happen especially in the digital age we live in.  I personally use a portable drive to store my work but the drive I have is encrypted.  It's encrypted in such a way I have to type in a password into the drive itself before the computer is even able to see the drive.  If I happen to forget my pass code well the only way to resetting it reformatting the entire drive and erasing all the information it has stored.  If an individual such as myself goes to such a level to protect his personal files one would think that a government organization would go to further lengths to protect their own.  Every thumb drive, portable drive and hard disk should be encrypted to such a level that it would be nearly impossible to crack.  But as it seems the government couldn't be bothered to do that and drag their heels to admit anything happened.

I found it offensive when the representative I spoke to tried to assure me the investigation so far shown the drive have yet to leave the building.  If they haven't been able to find one portable drive and one thumb drive in four month than the possibility it still being inside the building to be small.  When I point that out to the representative she kept totting the company line trying to assure me that they are doing everything in their power to discover what happened.  If they want to assure me they could have pay to have my and everyone else affect by this SIN number changed.  The person who was responsible for the "missing" drives should be charge with gross negligence and publicly made known.  I want to know who gave this person authorization to store my personal information in such a manner that any person with even a moderate computer knowledge could simply access by plugging it in any computer with a USB port.  I want to hear that they have been fired from their positions and lost any pension or any possible benefits because of their negligence.

Anyone could have my information and using it for whatever purpose they wish.   I can tell you that I feel violated by this breach of my privacy.  Till this moment I had perfect credit rating and was considered debt free.  Now my credit rating could drop, at risk for loans to be taken out in my name and have little protection against it.  People now can apply to EI, fill out passports or several things in my name since they have enough information to do so.  The possibilities of potential misuse is terrifying and as people that have been victims of identity theft before have all pointed out that it has taken years and thousands of their own hard earned money to solved.  I know one person that has criminal record because someone stole his identity and caught drinking and driving.  He nearly lost his job over it, only the fact the DUI charge was on the other side of the country during a time that he couldn't possibly be there was the only reason he wasn't fired.  And even though he didn't do it he still lost weeks of work trying to prove it.  This is what we are facing now and into the future.

I believe that our leaders don't fully grasp what people are potentially facing now.  A million Canadians are now at risk for the rest of their lives of their identity being stolen.  Not just the six years they promised to watch our account but the rest of our lives.  Whoever has this information could sit on it till the six years are up and sell it on the web.  There are already web site dedicated to selling people information and any one of ours could pop up on one of these.   There are four different class action lawsuits occurring against the federal government because of this incident.  I have personally signed up for my local class action lawsuit.  The government should be held accountable and made to pay for this mistake instead of trying to sweep it under the rug.  I hope this lawsuit causes some serious changes within our and how our government deal with our information and how they approach such issues in the future.  It is time our government go through an ideology shift and come to understand the impact their mistakes have on us, the people they are suppose to be serving to begin with.  It is time they do more to protect us instead of thinking of how to get more money out of us.

New Year, New Beginnings

            This post has been a long-time coming.  It's already February 2013 and I am only now thinking of it as a new year.  Because I finally found a job within my field and so it feels like a new beginning for me.  The job might only be a temporary one but it's a job that will give me more experience and I hope will help me earn my CET designation I wanted for two years.  I am also hoping that this job may lead into a permanent position within the same group down-the-line.   But all that is unknown to me and right now.  I will take solace that I have found employment again, have some form of income coming besides EI and that I can get benefits through blue cross. 

            New Years is about beginnings and a fresh start which is something I need in my life.  When 2012 started I knew it was going to be a year of many changes.  Don’t ask me how I knew that I just knew but I never realized how many changes I would have to endure.  First my gaming group and friends were reposted to different locations.  I was with this group of people for almost three years gaming every single Saturday or nearly every single one.  We became a close-knit group of friends that began hanging outside gaming.  Though I still communicate with them losing that group was a great blow to me.  I didn’t realize how much that weekly socializing meant to me till it was gone.  I have been in a search for a new social outlet since then and have explored different besides gaming.  I have gotten more involved with my photography meet up group and other meet up group around my city.

            Another change last year brought was a new job in a different field I was in and the job lost that came after it.  It was the first time in my life that I have taken such a risk before.  Never before would I have considered a drastic change to my life and what it could have resulted for me.  I faced my fear and tried a job that I knew going in was just above my expertise, fully knowing that I could be without a job before my probation was up which did happen.  I even faced the fear of unemployment and an uncertain future.  In some facets I am still facing an uncertain future since the job I am currently employed in is only a temporary one and could end between a year to a year and a half.   The only reason I keep an eye out for new postings is to find a more permanent position.  But this job will lead to several things I have been trying to obtain for years my CET and it’s a good foot in the door with the municipal government.  It doesn’t mean I will stop looking at other jobs but can take solace in the fact I have found employment that pays well though no benefits.

            Last year involve many personal changes for me and I believe that trend will continue into this year.  I am finally taking the time to discover who I am as a person and who I want to be.  As most people know such self-reflections and transformation are never easy.  It takes much self-re-evaluations of one’s own life and admitting when you’ve made mistake which no one ever wants to do.   Admitting to our personal flaws is not something most people want to do much less do something about them.  Changing our behaviors and attitudes towards life takes much personal strength and conviction of character to succeed.  Too often we find it easier to fall back to past behaviors and ways of thinking because it what’s we know and what we know is more comfortable as well as less scary to face.  That is why most people fail with New Year resolutions because they simply fall back into their old behavior since it is easier than making the change.

            In my case falling back to my older behaviors and ways of thinking is no longer a choice for me.  I’ve been through too much in the past year to allow that to happen and now I have to change to adapt to the event happening all around me.  Few people are happy with their personal lives and fewer find the drive to do anything about it.  Well I believe I finally found the drive to do something about my own life and am now I am taking the time to think where I want to progress.  It's time to do those hard personal reflections and question my past actions, discover why I made the choice I made and admit to all my personal faults and limits.  Now this won’t be a simple and could take  the rest of the year to succeed but if I want to grow as a person I have to start somewhere.  Since I do want to grow as an individual I am taking it on myself to do all this.  I won’t lie to myself; most likely it will be a hard and terrifying process to go through.  One filled with many doubts and possible shame over what I done and acted in the past.

            As last year was a year of many changes so will this one but the changes won’t only be external.  I plan to change a great deal about myself, from how I view the world and the way I think.  No longer will I limited myself to one single perspective.  Now is the time to escape the box I placed myself in before the lid is sealed shut trapping me forever as the person I was. 

Facing the Evening Daemons

Why is it the demons of our minds only come out at night? I find myself this night unable to sleep simply because my mind won’t rest.  Thoughts keep spinning around and around in my mind which is forcing me to pick up my computer to write out what they are.  As with most nights my thoughts circle around my unknown future.  This is the first time in my life I don't know what is going to happen to me in the New Year.  I've been job searching over two months now and still I have been unable to find any form of employment or at least in my previous career field.  Even my attempt to find other drafting positions in other fields have proven fruitless, since either I don't have experience in those fields or lack the necessary knowledge or training to do them.  I have no hesitation in saying the first time my life I don't know what to do.

            My thoughts are filling with horrifying possibility that keeps me awake.  The possibility of not finding another job or forced to take another job outside my field of study just I have some form of limited benefits.  Even the idea that is impossibility to find a job in a different field is impossibility and I may force to go on welfare or to rely my parents the rest of my life for a place to live and to take care me as if I'm still a child.  Even the possibility of being forced out on the street has at one time or another has entered my mind.  These are the demons that I am facing right now, demons of unknown possibility and an unknown future.  Never before have I been so unsure of my future but then again never before have I been put in such a position where I have to consider my future such broad context.

            When I first finished college I never thought about not being able to find a job as a drafter just how long till I found one.  I'm so relieved when I found a job even before completing my program and in just a few days after the last final I began my career at my first real job.  A job that I originally thought I would stay at till I retired but as with many things in life that was not to be.  After years of working there the company underwent a merger with another company which resulted in changing the corporate culture that I originally introduce too.  No longer was I working a job where I was encouraged to learn and further develop myself into designer but forced into a simple AutoCAD technician role. A roll that is nothing more than a tracer, simply copying what the engineers draws on paper, reproducing them in CAD and never questioning or asking why they designed it the way they did.  That wasn't the reason I spend three years in the diploma program just to become a simple tracer.  I had a need to learn more and to do more with my life.

            That's the original reason I started to search for a new job and seek employment elsewhere, employment that I hope and thought would lead into a designer role and finally earning me my Certified Engineering Technologist designation that I so wanted.  As it so happens taking a new job, one that originally found me instead of me seeking it out, led to present position now, one of unemployment and confusion.  I took on a role but I knew that I didn't have all the qualifications for but promised training and mentorship to aid in my development into that role.  The training I received was miserably delivered and simply comprised of a training manual that was poorly put together and difficult to find the necessary information, one class at NAIT (which I had to sign up for myself) and a few training courses that were forcefully given to me because they were required by the human resources for all staff members.  I never received a mentorship that I was promised, the style of training I expected or all the safety training or gear that was needed to do the job, instead of providing what was promised I simply let go because I wasn't “fitting in.”

            Now my career has been set back more than five years and to a point where my previous education isn't worth much anymore.  The five years I did at my previous job doesn't qualify me as a designer or much of an AutoCAD operator.  I may have five years’ experience of using AutoCAD and Autodesk like platforms but that experience is just using them on their most basic level which is nowhere near the expertise that is wanted.  I may part of a bachelor under my belt but that only makes me overqualified for job I'm applying for.  Now I have to consider position pay me far less than I left my first job at which was below the average for my industry.  Because of that I am considering a career shift onto a different career path or once my EI runs out returning to school full-time to complete my present bachelor's.  I am even considering entering a new program whether it is the degree program for another diploma program after completing my first bachelors just to make myself more employable.

            I'm attending workshop that I hope will improve my resume and cover letters writing as well as my interviewing skill as an attempt to stay on my present career path.  Whether this will work or not is yet to be seen.  So far the only workshop I attended a showing that and to drastically revise my resume and how I've been doing my cover letters.  Something I plan to undertake during the so called “Christmas holidays.”  I hope after the holidays I'll have a presentable resume and cover letters to match that may be picked up by the human resources algorithms.  I have some hopes that I may fine new employment early in the New Year but somehow I think that is doubtful.  Already I'm thinking of possible alternatives I can follow if I fail in my job search. 

            Thinking about these alternatives may be one reason I’m up so late, one of the many demons that is haunting my mind.  What alternatives are there for me?  Is anything else I can do with my life?  At the age of 30s is there anything else I can follow that I could possibly hope to succeed in?  No wonder I can't sleep.  So many fears and so many thoughts spinning in my head with no end in sight.  All I can do is keep at what I've been doing.  Keep improving my resume, keep looking for new jobs, applying for what jobs I find and try to keep busy so these thoughts won’t haunt me at night.  For now what else is there for me to do?  I don’t know that answer to that question but I hope it comes to me soon so I can sleep soundly again.